January 16, 2010
Well I have now seen it all. CBS’ Dan Dierdorf managed to announce the entire Colts/Ravens playoff game with a curious, but severe handicap…he spent the entire night with not one, but two penises stuffed in his mouth. Peyton Manning and Jim Caldwell should be well satisfied with their sacks fully drained as the former Hall of Fame lineman Dierdorf fellated both men with gusto continuously throughout the broadcast.
I’m not even certain Dierdorf watched the same game I did. He gushed and gushed and gushed again about how fresh the Colts looked in a feeble defense of head coach Caldwell’s gutless decision to lie down three weeks ago against the Jets, thereby forfeiting a wonderful opportunity to grab an undefeated season. Never mind that the Colts looked anything but dominant in squeaking out a win in a game that was much closer than the 20-3 score would indicate. Let there be no mistake; the Colts didn’t win this game, the Ravens lost it.
The “fresh” Colts averaged 1.7 yards on 25 carries, and their passing offense dinked and dunked all night, while the Ravens moved the ball on the ground at a 4.6 yard per carry clip and dominated both sides of the line of scrimmage. Manning was NOT sharp, missing receivers all night and being bailed out of two interceptions by an Ed Reed fumble, and an interference call (it’s the playoffs and Manning gets all the calls since he whined like a little bitch several years ago when the Patriots kicked his ass in Foxboro).
Were it not for the Ravens’ numerous penalties, fumbles, and dropped passes (and some wretched coaching from John Harbaugh just before the half), they cakewalk to a win. I understand that’s all part of the game, but to hear Dierdorf tell it, Caldwell single-handedly brought home the bacon by interrupting his menstrual cycle long enough to bring his team off the field against the Jets.
Then, once the game was over, Dierdorf finally guzzled down Caldwell’s load by intoning that the issue of the Colts quitting against the Jets was in the past and that Caldwell was vindicated. Dierdorf clearly doesn’t understand that there are two more wins to be had if Caldwell’s Colts want real vindication. And oh, by the way, Dan…the Colts could be 17-0 right now, on their way to perfection, and giving you abundant opportunity to pontificate further about the gutless one. Come to think of it…maybe Caldwell did us all a favor.